Navigating the Complex Emotion of Foreboding Joy
Three ways to effectively harness the energy of foreboding joy into something positive.
Ever heard the phrase, “As above, so below”?
A powerful concept, it’s usually mentioned in reference to the eternal flux and duality of opposing forces in this universe — good and evil, light and dark, heaven and hell, etc.
I like to use this phrase to describe my somewhat complicated, somewhat thrilling relationship with joy. It’s only very recently that I learned that this chaotic relationship had a name, and that name is “foreboding joy”.
Mental health researcher and storyteller, Brené Brown, is a pioneer in the exploration of the this complex emotion. Here’s what she has to say about it:
“When we feel joy, it is a place of incredible vulnerability — it’s beauty and fragility and deep gratitude and impermanence all wrapped up in one experience. When we can’t tolerate that level of vulnerability, joy actually becomes foreboding, and we immediately move to self-protection. It’s as if we grab vulnerability by the shoulders and say, ‘You will not catch me off guard. You will not sucker-punch me with pain. I will be prepared and ready for you.’”
— Brené Brown
Foreboding joy is embedded in the engineering of what I like to call “life’s never-ending rollercoaster of joy and pain”. This is my favorite metaphor for the reality of feeling constantly (and sometimes violently) thrust between the two emotional extremes of the ethereal joy and the near soul crushing emotional pain of life — I’ve often marveled at the fact that, at times, it feels there’s barely an intermediary space in between. (Bless those who can locate and reside in that space — I have much to learn from you!)
That said, the feeling of foreboding one may experience doesn’t necessarily dampen the joy. In many ways it can actually prompt one to appreciate the joy even more. When I first heard about foreboding joy, my inner critic was dead set on having me believe that something was wrong with me for allowing such earthly dread to interfere with my moments of divine joy — that I would die never truly knowing joy’s true, uninhibited bliss. I stubbornly reflected on this…
Eventually, I came to the this conclusion: If, at the end of the day, we have no control over our thoughts, then we shouldn’t feel the pressure to so adamantly reject them. Now this is a concept my OCD tendencies and I could write an entire dissertation on — about how we are not our thoughts and, while they may not represent our values, relief resides in learning to accept that they’re there, and so on — but I’ll spare you that for now and focus this claim on the unique concept of foreboding joy.
I’ve learned, in my experience with foreboding joy, not to focus on pushing the foreboding out of our minds, but rather to accept it (foreboding and all) and learn to zero in on the joy as much as possible. One of my favorite musings about feelings like existential dread is that it’s not inherently a bad thing; it’s just the very real weight of life on Earth making itself overwhelmingly apparent. Feeling the heaviness of life in times of joy is not a bad thing. In fact, in some ways, it can actually serve to keep us grounded.
As above we feel the levity of joy, so below we feel the weight of humanity. This balance is crucial.
I’m not trying to advocate for seeking the foreboding in your moments of joy (if you experience joy sans foreboding, keep doing whatever it is you’re doing — I’ll meet you there one day!), but I am trying to offer a different perspective for those who find it hard to experience joy without that little bit (or literal barrel full) of dread creeping its way in.
Understanding and learning to deal with foreboding joy has brought many new practices into into my life (whether I liked it or not!), and I’d like to close this piece with some tips for navigating foreboding joy (based on my own lived and learned experience):
When met with foreboding joy…
1. Lead with acceptance and ride that rollercoaster, baby!
Acceptance — of myself, of my thoughts, of my journey — has been an ever present theme in my forever quest for better mental health. As simple as it sounds, the power of acceptance, as well as its difficulty to achieve, cannot be understated.
I recommend leading with acceptance in times of foreboding joy because trying to analyze or even push out of your mind something that you can’t control (i.e. a thought or an emotion), when your mind is already experiencing slew of warring emotions, is only going to tucker your poor brain out more quickly.
Instead of pushing out thoughts, accept that they’re there along with the emotions that come with them. It may be uncomfortable, but its better than short circuiting your nervous system with a vicious cycle of rumination over our thoughts and emotions that don’t serve you. Over time, this practice can lead to greater resilience in the face of mental adversity — and who couldn’t use more of that?
2. Use it as an opportunity for gratitude.
I mentioned earlier that the feeling of foreboding (as it accompanies joy) can serve to keep us grounded.
Some may be thinking: Well, why would I want to be on the ground in my moments of joyful elevation? Valid question. Short answer: To each their own! Longer answer: Keeping within the discussion of duality, grounded-ness and lifted-ness must coexist simultaneously in order to maintain a sense of balance.
Is it favorable to be inundated with worries of terrible fates befalling my loved ones in the midst of joyful moments of love shared with them? Absolutely not. Does it prompt me to savor and feel an extra strong sense of gratitude for those moments that I do have with them? Yes!
This is not me making an argument for the benefits or sustainable nature of foreboding joy. Truth be told: it’s not beneficial, nor is it sustainable, but it is a reality for a lot of people. That said, lemonade out of lemons, my friends. Channel the energy that accompanies the worry into an energy that fuels your gratitude practice.
3. Reflect and cross that bridge when you get there!
Last but certainly not least, we have good ol’ self reflection. Tried and true and never all that easy!
What shall we reflect on, you ask? I recommend retracing the steps of where the sense of where the foreboding came from. For me, that looks like this: My foreboding joy is based in my anxiety and my anxiety is based in fear.
Mark Twain said, “Worry is like paying interest on a debt you don’t even owe.” When reflecting on my foreboding joy from this perspective, I realize that my fear is doing nothing but running me deeper and deeper into emotional bankruptcy! A simple tweak in the angle from which we view these dilemmas can make a huge difference.
To close, I’d like to share one of my new mantra-esque, self-soothing sayings that I use in times of deep worry and foreboding: Cross that bridge if you get there. For now, just enjoy. I emphasize the if because so many of the things we worry about never even come close to happening.
This saying is somewhat of a command that I tell myself — a simple reminder not to run myself ragged paying interest on what I don’t owe.
